I am sitting here staring at a flat line for the number of people who have visited my blog recently. We all know that a flat line on an ECG is not good news (should be careful here, as I am supposed to be a nursing student, so will really look silly if I get something wrong!) – it is one sign that a person has died, and their heart has stopped working. In a similar way, a flat line on my viewing stats does not signify a healthy blog. Not that you needed to tell me that, as I could have told you that already.
It has been a little while, right? My maths (and it could be wrong, but I somehow don’t think so) tells me that it has been six months since I last updated my little blog. And if my memory isn’t tricking me, that post was a scheduled post. I think more was supposed to be coming, but it never did come. Life went on, and this space was left behind – empty.
I can’t apologise for deserting my blog. Not sincerely, anyway. I rarely felt any twinge of guilt during these past 6 months – Oh no! I haven’t updated my blog – what a bad person I am! I have to confess that for the most part, it has been furthest from my mind. Life has been too busy with other things.
If anyone reads this, by now they are probably wondering, Then why on earth is this person (who is quite possibly mad) writing on her blog now? She’s just been telling us how little she cares about blogging?!
I guess there are times when I just feel like blogging. And this evening is one of those times.
I have to admit it; there are times when I do wonder whether the season for blogging is really over for me, at least for now. I started blogging as a lonely, somewhat isolated teenager (how I like being able to put it that way – being 20 is good!) longing for some way to reach out and connect and get to know other people, especially Christian girls living a similar life to me. That was key for me back me – connecting with people like me, at least in someway, so that I didn’t feel quite so much cut off.
Things have changed such a lot since then. I have begun to realise the value of real-life friendships. Not that online friendships are to be totally thrown off – I have met some very dear and sweet people through blogging and the internet, and still try to keep in touch with some of them. But it wasn’t healthy for me to seek all my friends online; I really needed to know people in real-life. It is hard to explain, but blogging can create the impression of being connected, but away from the internet my reality was pretty lonely.
Since going away to university, I have found that forcing myself away from the comfort zone of my family and their limited circle of acquaintances has been beneficial to me. I have begun to learn to forge friendships with real-life people, friendships which I hope will grow and develop. I have to confess, it has not been easy. I was too used to living quite an isolated existence. I was used to hiding myself behind my shyness. I still do hide myself, and I am trying to learn to be more open with other people. It is easy to be open online, with people who don’t know me in real life. There is safety behind the screen; there is security in knowing that those people can only see so much of me as I let them see. There is security in the fact that people don’t actually know ‘me’. There is a lovely security in being able to write about what I feel, and re-edit it until it is just right. But when with people in real life, I can try to hide, but it is harder. I can’t ‘edit’ what I say – it comes out as it is, raw, complete with all the rough edges.
I am almost at the end of my first year at university now and how time has flown. My first big university exam is looming. (Thankfully, nurses don’t get as many exams as other students, or I think I would be doing my head in – I have never done big exams before.) My life is filled with revision, and the library has become like a second home to me. I am facing my second placement, and it will be my first on a hospital ward. I probably should be revising right now, but it has been a long day, and I am trying to relax – in a semi-productive way! Did I also mention I have a 3000-word essay to write? Yes, life is busy, it is a little hectic, it can be overwhelming at times, but it is good.
I can’t think of anything else to say right now, save this final thought – God has been good to me, and I am so thankful for all He has done for me over the past year! I can’t say my first year at university has always been easy, but God has been there, overruling the events in it and helping me. And He will continue to do so in the months to come. May all who read this blog know His presence in their lives too!